Reality Check

About a week ago, I found out that a dear friend of mine, also infertile, just adopted a baby girl a few months ago, is pregnant. Out of the blue, astoundingly, pregnant. It's a miracle. And somewhere in my brain, I realize it's a miracle, and it's amazing, and I'm happy for my friend, and awestruck to see a miracle happening in front of me. But that's way way back in my brain. At the forefront of my brain is a screaming crazy person. This person is not a stranger, I'm afriad to say. I've spent a lot of time with her in the past. I thought I had put her to rest. Or maybe I thought she was better now, healed. But nope, here she comes again, on another pass. She's quite annoying, really, all absorbed in her own issues and she's BORING, always complaining about the same things. But I seem to be unable to shut her up, or shut her out, or shut her down. And this is a sampling of what she says to me: What's wrong with you, that you're the only one in the world that can't manage to have a baby? What's up with your stupid body, then, eh?? See, I told you you were worthless! See, if you only (insert pretty much any verb here: prayed more, read your scriptures more, had more faith, were a better person, dieted more, didn't diet as much, blah blah blah) you might have a baby, too. You'll NEVER have another baby, ha ha ha ha haaa. She's a pleasant person, this crazy screamer. You can see why I was pretty happy to think I'd put her away for good.

So here she was, tearing around my head again last Sunday evening. I took myself off to bed and had a good cry. I thought about praying, but in these moments, often it seems so futile. I'm pretty sure from 10 years experience that God is not simply going to *poof* me pregnant because I ask him to. Not that he can't, mind you, because I believe he can....I just don't think he generally works that way. And since at moments like this, the only solution seems to either *poof* be pregnant or *poof* get to adopt again, praying seems pointless. So I had myself a good cry, which was heading downhill pretty fast, as these types of cries tend to do, when I at least had the thought to say, please help me, Heavenly Father. And into my head popped a vivid image of the heartbreak of people all over China right now, who have lost parents, siblings, children, whole families. It wasn't a snarky response, mind you. I didn't get the feeling Heavenly Father was unsympathetic to my hurt. I did, however, get the very strong impression he was giving me a reality check. Does my situation stink? Yes, it does. But it's also extremely blessed and privileged. So have a cry and get on with it, I think he was telling me.