Reality Check

About a week ago, I found out that a dear friend of mine, also infertile, just adopted a baby girl a few months ago, is pregnant. Out of the blue, astoundingly, pregnant. It's a miracle. And somewhere in my brain, I realize it's a miracle, and it's amazing, and I'm happy for my friend, and awestruck to see a miracle happening in front of me. But that's way way back in my brain. At the forefront of my brain is a screaming crazy person. This person is not a stranger, I'm afriad to say. I've spent a lot of time with her in the past. I thought I had put her to rest. Or maybe I thought she was better now, healed. But nope, here she comes again, on another pass. She's quite annoying, really, all absorbed in her own issues and she's BORING, always complaining about the same things. But I seem to be unable to shut her up, or shut her out, or shut her down. And this is a sampling of what she says to me: What's wrong with you, that you're the only one in the world that can't manage to have a baby? What's up with your stupid body, then, eh?? See, I told you you were worthless! See, if you only (insert pretty much any verb here: prayed more, read your scriptures more, had more faith, were a better person, dieted more, didn't diet as much, blah blah blah) you might have a baby, too. You'll NEVER have another baby, ha ha ha ha haaa. She's a pleasant person, this crazy screamer. You can see why I was pretty happy to think I'd put her away for good.

So here she was, tearing around my head again last Sunday evening. I took myself off to bed and had a good cry. I thought about praying, but in these moments, often it seems so futile. I'm pretty sure from 10 years experience that God is not simply going to *poof* me pregnant because I ask him to. Not that he can't, mind you, because I believe he can....I just don't think he generally works that way. And since at moments like this, the only solution seems to either *poof* be pregnant or *poof* get to adopt again, praying seems pointless. So I had myself a good cry, which was heading downhill pretty fast, as these types of cries tend to do, when I at least had the thought to say, please help me, Heavenly Father. And into my head popped a vivid image of the heartbreak of people all over China right now, who have lost parents, siblings, children, whole families. It wasn't a snarky response, mind you. I didn't get the feeling Heavenly Father was unsympathetic to my hurt. I did, however, get the very strong impression he was giving me a reality check. Does my situation stink? Yes, it does. But it's also extremely blessed and privileged. So have a cry and get on with it, I think he was telling me.

Father Son Campout

Our area wards had a father-son campout to commemorate the restoration of the Priesthood. Jack and Mike headed off into the woods for the evening. Now, I love camping, but I have to say I was not too sad to be left home on this one, in my nice comfy bed. (although said nice comfy bed ended up being taken over by Mandy and Colin after we spent too much time watching LOST, but that's another story). I was particularly happy to have been left home when I saw they overnight guest they had lodging in the tent with them.....

Jack had a wonderful time with friends Kaleb (he of the no hair) and Corey (whom he inaugurated into the joys of peeing behind a tree.)


Jack reported that his favorite part of the trip was getting to poke sticks into the fire. He's one of us, folks!!!

Happy Mother's Day

To Jack, every celebration requires a cake. So he was a bit perturbed, apparently, when Mother's Day came around and there was no cake for me. So as I showered, he came up with this idea -- an orange, complete with candle, and Happy Mother's Day to You song. Luckily, he and Daddy had also shopped for a Mother's Day outfit for me, so I did eventually get dressed!!


I spent many many years avoiding church on Mother's Day. Our church makes a big big deal out of Mother's Day, as is only right and proper. But when it served as a reminder a) that I STILL was not a mother for another year and b) that I was seemingly the only one in the universe being denied this blessing that was "every woman's crowning glory", well, it lost some of its shine. A bigger person would have used the time to honor her own mother, or the women around her who served as mothers to her, but I am not a bigger person. I avoided the whole situation and nursed my wounded heart at home.

Now, of course, that's (mostly) overwith. It still hurts to be waiting to increase our family. It still hurts a little to feel on the outside of the "miracle of life" -- though with the help of dear friends who share honest details about the realities of pregnancy and childbirth, I'm feeling better about that all the time. There are little twinges of sadness, but those twinges are more than offset by the presence of my marvelous little boy. I am a mother now. It is the greatest, most incredible, all-encompassing, surpassing joy of my life. How do you put into words what it means to be a mother. Here is this perfect little being that you get to love and adore and watch over, mold, help grow and explore, shape, be with, play with, teach, share with. Here is a brand new human being who shows you the world anew, reminds you of things you have forgotten, tunes you in to things you've overlooked. Here's someone to whom, for at least a little while, you are indispensable. Who will always be indispensible to you. For whom you would do anything. Someone who looks to you for comfort, for answers, for strength, for confidence.

I adore being a mother. It is my greatest blessing and most enduring joy.

Mother's stand in the background. We let our children go out into the world, to school, to playdates, to sports teams and careers. We stand back and watch and bask in their successes. There is someone else in the background of our lives. Someone to whom we owe all the happiness we experience as a family. That person is Jack's birthmom. The beautiful, strong, courageous and faithful woman with whom God entrusted Jack for his first nine months. Hers was the incredibly difficult task of bringing him into this world and bringing him to us; ours has been the joyful, wonderful opportunity to love and to raise him. Anything and everything I could think or write about her falls short of the mark, turns trite and cliche. So I'll just say, Happy Mother's Day, Candice. Thank you for making all my dreams come true.

Continuing to try out the bunk bed

Jack's still enamored of his bunk bed. For teh first month or so, he always slept up top. Then he decided to try the bottom bunk. Then he made Nanny sleep in the bottom bunk while he slept up top. Then, for some reason the other night, he told Daddy he was going to try UNDER the bottom bunk. And so he did....

Ordered Art

Jack's shell creation...



Even when Jack was a toddler, he really liked to align things. Never in a straight line, at least, not ONLY a straight line. He'd make elaborate mosaics of his hotwheels. Now, before bed, he'll often arrange his bedtime toys and stuffed animals just so. These shells are just the latest outlet. They are from our trip to the beach last summer, and among Jack's most prized possessions. Perhaps I may be biased, but I think there's something really beautiful about the was he's arranged them. Perhaps we weren't so far off naming him after Jackson Pollack. (Though I have to put in my two cents, it was also after Stonewall Jackson....who was a bit off the wall, which fits our little man just fine, also.)

Sunday Tradition

One of the greatest things about Mike (you know, right up there with he loves me even though I'm, well, me, and he takes Jack on trips round Cleveland while I visit my Mum in hospital) is that he loves to bake. And he's really good at it! So for a while now he's had a tradition to bake something yummy on Sunday. (One of many reasons to look forward to the Sabbath!) Now, he's starting to pass on his baking talents to Jack...


So far, Jack's favorite thing to do is play with the flour. And eat the chocolate chips!

Our new obsession...

Jack has entered the world of webkinz. A friend's aunt gave him this bear (name: Shelby-bear) and Jack LOVES her. He insisted I push her in the swing as well as him. Loves to sleep with her, take her everywhere, feed her online.

****UPDATE**** Jack still appreciates Shelby-bear, and likes doing some things with her online. Mostly, going on Gem Hunts and doing the Polar Plunge game. The person who's really obsessed....me. It's true! I love to check in with Shelby-bear, see her sleeping soundly in her little bed, feed her nutritious food, play the games to make lots of money for her every need. It's a little worrying, really. I can only assume it all has to do with waiting for Jack's baby brother or sister?? Hopefully, it's just an excess of maternal gooeyness seeking an outlet and I'm not actually in the process of turning into one of those old ladies with 67 cats. Well, at least if I AM turning into crazy-cat-lady, they are online cats and my house won't actually SMELL like 67 cats???